I'm Done With Letting My Emotions Hold Me Back

Thursday night I was lying in my bed trying to get to sleep, I hadn't slept the other night (unless you call finally falling asleep around 6 am and waking up at 8 am a good night's rest), but despite how exhausted I was and how my eyes burned from too many tears and too little sleep, I couldn't seem to drift off.

My mind kept wandering and worrying. Somehow I started thinking about a friend I use to have, and how she really helped me when I was going through a lot last year. I was wishing she was still here, because it was really really nice to have a friend who understood what you were going through because they've been there.

Then I started thinking about all of the times I have been that friend in the past to someone, even if I only knew them for an hour. People use to gravitate towards me when they needed help.

I met a little girl who was worried about her mom who had just been diagnosed with cancer while teaching a summer writing class a few years back.

During a Christmas play I was in when I was twelve I was backstage waiting for my cue with a few other girls that were slightly younger than me, when one sat by me and started telling me about her dad, and how he left her and her mom.

I met a girl my age when I was eleven that everyone called stupid because she was an alcohol baby, we became friends and she told me that I was one of the only people that told her that they loved her.

A year ago I walked into a room to see a younger girl in tears because her friend just broke her leg and was rushed to the hospital, and all of her friends didn't know what to say or do. I sat with her, prayed with her, and then we walked around outside while she cried and told me how worried she was for her friend, and then after a while, those tears turned into laughter when she started telling me funny stories about her friend.

I was thinking about all of these times and I hated myself because I'd fallen out of that.

I use to be a person people could depend on. I use to be good at listening and noticing the sadness in people's eyes when they needed someone to talk to, but lately, I've been so focused on myself.

My own problems.

I'm too busy worrying about if I'm going to have a public breakdown to notice when someone else it on the verge of it.

So, I decided right there and then that I was done with focusing on myself. I really prayed to God for the first time in weeks, I told Him that I was sorry for forgetting what he put me here for--I've always felt called to help people know they aren't alone, to comfort them, and to love them.

I picked up my bible and opened it, deciding that I was going to read Proverbs because I could use some wisdom. The first two chapters were talking about understanding and how God gives us understanding. For the first time in a while, I understood.

And I thanked him for all of the emotions and struggles I've been going through with sadness, self-image, and my disgust for the scars on my hands in legs, because He gave me understanding.

Because of the loneliness I've felt, because of all of the times I felt like I just couldn't go on, because of all of the moments were I looked down at my skin and hated what I saw, because of all the times I felt like a failure, like I wasn't worth air, like I wasn't worth love, like I wasn't worth anything.

Because of all that, I get it. I understand.

And I cannot judge.

I'm no longer uncomfortable with people crying because I've cried so many times and wasn't able to stop. I've been there.

I don't know what everyone needs, but I know what I needed and still need when I'm down, and with that knowledge and God's help I know I can be there for people.

So, I prayed. I asked for forgiveness. I asked for God to lead me to people who needed my help. To people that needed a friend, someone to listen.

I prayed all that and if this was a movie or a book I would have felt something and I would have fallen asleep content and happy.

But I don't live in fiction. So after a moment of silence and me closing my eyes trying to finally fall asleep, I let out an exasperated sigh and thought, "Are you even listening, God?" before getting out of my bed to go find my mom like the tired child I am.

I ended up sleeping in my parent's bed that night.

The next morning was my co-op's Christmas party! YAY!!! I had a sensory overload + breakdown there last year, and I ended up hiding in the bathroom crying while calling my mom over and over again until she finally picked up. I went home and spent the rest of the day crying. Of COURSE, I want to do that over again this year!! was my sarcastic thought.

The party didn't turn out to be bad like I thought, in fact, I had fun and hung out with friends.

After that rather pleasant morning and early afternoon, my mom dropped me off at the homeschool choir I attend.

And that was where God decided to let me know that he had been listening after all.

He put me in the right place at the right time, because a friend I was talking to told me how stressed she was and started crying.

And I felt awful because I had known she was dealing with some stuff but I didn't know she was going through that much.

That's when it hit me, all of the people in my life that I had been hurt by because they hadn't noticed that I needed them--I was just like them.

I had been so focused on myself that I hadn't noticed that a close friend of mine needed help and support just like I did.

So, I said a word of sorry and thanks to God, and I prayed that he would give me the wisdom to know how to help my friend.

I'm not perfect, I'm still going to struggle with being selfish and let myself be too distracted by my own issues to help others, but from now on, I'm going to fight against that.

I want to be there for people.

I'm done with letting others feel as alone as I do, and I've realized through helping others and taking the focus off of myself, I feel less alone too.

To everyone I haven't been there for when I should have been, I'm sorry. With God's help, I will do better.


I'm done with letting my emotions hold me back from life, being happy, and helping others.

I am stronger than that.

This no longer defines or controls me.

Long post, but to sum it all up, I'm feeling better. 

Am I back? No ideaaaaaaa, but I did forget I had a review that I technically legally have to write and publish on here this month, soooo I'll be back for that.

Thank you guys for all the sweet comments on  my last post, they meant a lot, and it was really encouraging to read them.

How are you?