identity, dreams, and future plans // concerning my writing, my life, and the future of this tiny space on the internet

Hey all, it's been a minute, hasn't it? 

Honestly, I'm not sure where to start...

I'm happy, like really really happy.

Of course, I'm not happy 24/7, I'm still struggling with some stuff, but I haven't felt this overall stable and content in a lonngggg time.

I feel like I've finally found a place and a purpose in this world, and I know whatever happens that I have a direction.

 Finally having a direction and a path I know I want to stick to is SUCH a relief, I can't even explain it.

I'm still dealing with insecurities and downfalls, but I know I've come such a long way these past few weeks.

Which is amazing, the other day I was in a crowded room and I couldn't find any of my friends, and the old me would have sat in a corner or worse gone to the bathroom to hide in a stall and have a panic attack, but the new me remained calm and sat down across from someone I knew the name of and got to know them a bit better. 

This all brings me to my main point, I've changed. I use to be so unsure about so many things, and although I still am uncertain about a lot of stuff, I know the general direction I want to go in. I know what I want now and what I don't.

So what do I want?

I want to learn more about the Bible and the Lord. There is so much I don't know and so much I need to re-learn because I've been blindly following the wrong advice for so many years.

I want to become a friendlier and nicer person. I feel like I am overall pretty friendly, but getting out there as an introvert is hard, and I want to improve on that.

I want to be a counselor one day, I want to help people get through hard times, especially teens. I don't care if I'll never make much of myself or a lot of money out of that, I don't care about that. I want to help people, because everyone needs someone to listen.

I want to be a wife and a mother one day, and I want to stay home and homeschool and raise my kids. I've been so quiet on this for so long because I've gone to a church where not going to college and not wanting a career was looked down on. But I don't want a career, I want a family. And no, it's not "degrading", and no, I don't have "so much more potential" this is my potential.

I want to go to cosmetology school if I reach the end of high school and still haven't met anyone or if nothing else that I feel led to pursue comes up. I enjoy makeup a lot and it's one of the things I'm good at, and I think that this would be a great way to meet people and be an encouragement and friend to others. So if the door is opened in the future, I probably will step through it.

What do I don't want?

I don't want to be a published author. There. I said it. Now, maybe one day, sure. But right now even thinking about pursuing that makes me so anxious. I love writing, I truly do, but over the years that passion has started to dwindle, and I use to be afraid of that, but I'm not anymore.

It's no longer a dream of mine, and I always thought that sentence would be one I would never write, but here I am. Maybe it's time for me to make some room for other things in my life, I'm not sure what yet, but maybe this is so I can focus more on studying the Bible, but I know I won't be focusing so much on this hobby of mine.

And I'm glad I can finally admit that my heart isn't in my writing as much as it use to be, and maybe that will change one day, but until then I'm not going to stress about being a horrible writer.

I love writing, and I do believe it's one of the best ways I reach people, however, I no longer care about holding a copy of one of my books in my hands, or becoming a bestseller, those all seem like distant dreams of a different and younger girl.

I don't want to give up on this blog. I know my writing confession up there might make it seem like I'm giving up on blogging, but I don't plan to. I love too many people on this platform and I still have so many things I want to write for y'all. I still enjoy writing and I still ADORE reading. Just expect more variety in the future. I hope you guys will stick with me through these changes.

I don't want to go back to the old me. I've been so sad and so lukewarm and lonely for so long and I never want to return to that mindset and way of life.

There. I wrote it, everything I felt like I needed to write.

So, hi. I'm Gray Marie, welcome to my blog, I hope you'll stick around.